When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Basketball games are very squeaky.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.