It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians