Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.