ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I need to update my racial profile.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.