I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.