Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.