Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I’m confused about plants
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.