My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.