Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?