A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.