My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.