If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I’m confused about plants
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.