If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.