I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though