If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
50 shades of grey = my Liver
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.