God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
when nothing goes right… go left
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.