She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
Oddly specific
I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero