Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occurWow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine
Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside
Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside
Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”
what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson
