Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.