How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.