Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad