When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?