I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!