I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.