The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.