.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.