I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.