Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.