At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.