If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on