Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.