Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?