Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.