I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”