People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.