ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.