Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete