It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 馃檪
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 馃檨
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.