Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?