Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.