1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.