Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”