TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.