What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?