Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”