I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.