Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
A wise man once said nothing.