Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.