My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.