Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!